Month: June 2020

Imagine your identity as a pizza pie 🍕. The slices are what make you a full-fledged, complex, and unique human-being: your beliefs, relationships, knowledge, lived experiences, and characteristics. And your toppings are your habits that bind the slices together.

If you’re confronted with a loss of sense-of-self while navigating the early days of moderation or sobriety, ask yourself this: is this a slice issue or a topping issue? It can be challenging to differentiate what we do from who we are, but it’s an important distinction to make to gain a stronger grasp on our identity.

Distinguishing Character vs. Habits

‘What we do’ is ever-changing. Our habits can feel defining at times, but they can evolve and adapt to align with what makes you, you. When we match our habits and practices to our character, we can achieve more harmony and a stronger sense of self. That’s a big part of this journey. Changing your behaviors to match your character, and becoming the best version of you.

Even if this concept makes sense, it can be hard to conceptualize our character and identity. What would you say if you were asked to finish the sentence “I am a…?” Chances are you would identify your roles, your appearance, your affiliations, or your job titles. These just skim the surface of you.

A deep dive into self-exploration will come with its own set of challenges. Some may call it an identity crisis. Deep breath. I know the idea of an ‘identity crisis’ sounds terrifying, so I’ve laid out two techniques you can use to reclaim your sense of self and help define your character as you navigate this new chapter.

Cognitive Reframing & Re-Attribution (Excuse me, what?)

Let’s break this one down. Cognitive reframing means changing the way we view situations, experiences, events, ideas, and emotions. This practice can help us ‘take back’ the things we used to associate with drinking.

Then comes the “Reattribution” part. Reattribution is a fancy therapy word for finding new explanations for why things happen and challenging some of our deeply ingrained ideas by considering alternatives.

Let’s use an example.

Say, for example, you associate socializing with drinking, so your instinct is to believe that your new sobriety means you can’t be social anymore. Suppose you take a look at the other moments, memories, and experiences in life that are both social and sober. Think about how you can integrate these experiences into your new life without alcohol. Re-associate what socializing means to you, because it doesn’t have to mean drinking. It can mean intimate conversations with friends, clarity in relationships, high-energy, clear-headed parties, and more.

Challenging our thoughts and associations can be uncomfortable, but by changing our perspective we can build new associations and get to know ourselves better without alcohol.

Meeting Fear With Curiosity

Another reframing technique is to meet fear with curiosity. Can you be intrigued by the things that you are unsure about in your life? Are there ways to observe these unknowns as possibly delicious toppings?

A huge aspect of an early recovery identity crisis is the fact that alcohol can hijack the very systems that help us build our sense of who we are, leaving us to assume our alcohol use defines us. (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t!) In deciding to drink less or stop altogether, you will have to reconnect with what it means to hold space for yourself and your recollections. This can be very unsettling, particularly for those experiences that you would rather avoid thinking about. That’s where coping skills like mindfulness, self-soothing, and cognitive reframing come in. These practices can help regulate the intensity of these emotions as you find new ways to write your narrative.

Things are changing, so it’s natural to feel unsettled and unsure. But this change is good. I hope you take this time to reconnect with the beautiful things that make you, you with newfound clarity, perspective, and self-appreciation. If you want to stay in touch along the way, join us in the Monument Community, come check out our online alcohol support groups, and explore Personalized Treatment options. You can do this!

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.

So, you’re looking to get your significant other involved in your journey to change your drinking? That’s a great idea. And if you’re not sure how to approach it, you are not alone. This is an incredibly common question that I hear in the therapy world. Here, I’ll lay out a few tips for how to approach asking for the support you need and deserve from your inner circle — specifically, your partner.

First, I often ask my clients, what are the ways you feel cared for, no matter what hurdle you’re facing? Take a minute to think about it. What do you come up with?

If you’re having some trouble, don’t worry. This can be an eye-opener into how little we pay attention to what we actually need to feel cared for. If we don’t know what we’re looking for, how can we accurately communicate our needs to our partner? I recommend Dr. Chapman’s Five Love Languages as a framework for figuring out which signals of love are the top priorities for you.

Whether you know you could use some encouraging words or an act of service to make changing your drinking more attainable, understanding how you want to receive love and support is the first step in ultimately sharing that information with your partner.

Another helpful exercise is to ask yourself, what’s holding me back from discussing my goals with my partner? What would I say if I wasn’t worried about their response?

No matter how your relationship with alcohol has influenced the relationship between you and your partner, two emotions frequently surface in talking about it — shame and fear. If you’re feeling that way, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a strong relationship with your partner. This is a complex conversation, and those feelings are extremely common.

On the flip side, there are many feelings your partner could experience when you approach this conversation. There is no way to predict how they’ll respond. With this in mind, take a moment to remind yourself that however your partner reacts, it’s out of your hands. All we can control is how we show up. Bring out your toolbox of self-reflective work you’ve been doing. Think about those love languages. What are my needs? What are my hopes? What steps can my partner take to support me? Make that ask of your partner.

If getting that conversation started in especially challenging, you may want to give this visual simulation a try.

Imagine your partner is sitting across from you and appears as though they need to tell you something but don’t know how to say it. You encourage them to speak their mind, and they let you know their plan to make a significant lifestyle change. What would you say? How would you show them you want to help? Wouldn’t you want them to feel that they could come to you with any challenge or goals they face? So, why wouldn’t they feel the same way about yours?

Remind yourself that this is a partnership. You show up for each other. If you would want your partner to trust you and share an important decision with you, you can do the same.

And for my final tip, I keep it simple. Gratitude.

It’s important to let your partner know that you appreciate who they are and what they have done thus far to make you feel loved. Let them know that you have faith in their ability to keep supporting you in this next phase of life. Not only does this empower your partner to see their capability and capacity to support you, but you start to believe they can too.

I hope these tips give you the motivation and tools you need to ask for what you deserve. If you’re looking for additional support as you change your relationship with alcohol, join us in the Monument Community. I lead online alcohol support groups, and also provide personalized video therapy. Regardless of your path forward, you can do this!

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.