Month: February 2021

The author has been compensated for contributing to the Monument resources & reading library.

Judging by the staggering number of meetings I have to assume AA works for many people. But it didn’t work for me. And I tried. I found the structure of meetings confining, and the fact that no professional was at the table worried me even more. My AA meetings were people recounting their stories. And I was amazed to discover that many had not had a drink in years. So they weren’t going through what I was going through at the moment  – which was trying to stop or moderate my volume of 10 drinks per day.

I concluded AA works for some, and especially for maintenance, but wasn’t the right fit for me.

While browsing my Facebook feed I came across an ad from Monument. A strange name, but they offered a few things that immediately got my attention. One was a realistic, non-judgemental approach that included moderation in addition to sobriety. The other was a professional scientific approach. This meant support groups moderated by licensed therapists, one-on-one alcohol therapy, and access to doctors for medication. And all of this was 100% online. Which in the time of Covid-19 is perfect.

Monument says I have alcohol use disorder and offers quantitative help. I appreciate that. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a person who is trying to change their relationship with alcohol. Plus, no insurance. Just a very modest weekly fee, which I can easily afford.

So I tried it, and it delivered exactly what it promised. I go to a therapist moderated online alcohol support group almost every day. I have a one-on-one therapist and a one-on-one doctor. And unlike my experience in AA, I feel like I can talk about anything in the support groups and get valuable feedback. What a breath of fresh air.

AA called me an alcoholic. I hated that. I can’t forget it. Monument uses different language.

Monument also takes a more holistic approach, with help from several directions: support groups, personal therapy and a personal MD. All are very accessible and responsive. That’s very powerful. And the Monument support groups are free.

I must admit I like the 100% online approach. Amidst the pandemic it’s wonderful. Telehealth was blossoming before Covid-19, but now it’s mainstream, and Monument is a superb example. Yes, I found many AA meetings online and I tried several. But the situation was exactly the same as the in-person meetings: very structured and not for me. And many had 50+ people in the meeting. The Monument meetings are more personal and tend to be 10-15 people per meeting. That means I can build friendly connections! Plus, the therapists who moderate the Monument meetings are wonderful and very knowledgeable.

I’ve learned quite a lot from Monument. When it comes to medication to stop drinking, my physician at Monument taught me about the correct use of naltrexone, why it’s appropriate for me, and how it differs from disulfiram. I’ve learned to take an objective approach to my alcohol use disorder and understand that it does not need to be all or nothing, and I don’t need to commit to lifelong abstinence to engage in treatment. This was certainly not the message from AA. Monument has also taught me that my drinking behavior is not only about me. I now know to more closely examine its effect on my loved ones and those around me, plus its effect on my health. Monument has given me a wider and much healthier view of my alcohol issues – and provided the resources to actively address them. I’ve also found a great community that’s open and supportive and has the constant support of licensed therapists. 

It’s time alcohol use disorder came out of the shadows into the bright light of science. Kudos for Monument for leading the way.

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.

Important Safety Information

Naltrexone has the capacity to cause hepatocellular injury (liver injury) when given in excessive doses. Naltrexone is contraindicated in acute hepatitis or liver failure, and its use in patients with active liver disease must be carefully considered in light of its hepatotoxic effects. In the treatment of alcohol dependence, adverse reactions include difficulty sleeping, anxiety, nervousness, abdominal pain/cramps, nausea and/or vomiting, low energy, joint and muscle pain, headache, dizziness and somnolence. This is not a complete list of potential adverse events associated with naltrexone hydrochloride. Please see Full Prescribing Information for a complete list.

The most common side effects of Disulfiram may include drowsiness, tiredness, headache, acne, and metallic-like taste in the mouth. Call your doctor if you have signs of serious side effects such as decreased sexual ability, vision changes, numbness of arms or legs, muscle weakness, mood changes, seizures, or confusion. Do not take Disulfiram if you are allergic to any of the ingredients. If you begin to have signs of an allergic reaction, then seek immediate medical attention. Avoid consumption of alcohol while taking this medication, as it may lead to adverse side effects. Talk to your doctor about the history of your medical conditions including if you have or have had diabetes, underactive thyroid, brain disorders, liver or kidney disease, personal or family history of regular use/abuse of drugs. Certain drug interactions may lead to serious adverse side effects. Let your doctor know about any other medications you are taking. This is not a complete list of potential adverse events associated with Disulfiram. Please see Full Prescribing Information for a complete list.

It was the spring of 2019 when I experienced my first real break up. I started to drink every day to cope with the feeling of loss and the fear that I may never find another partner. What started as a bad habit turned into a cycle of addiction. I had a way with people that became ruined by my need for alcohol. I became unreliable, and started canceling or showing up late to events. I would rather spend time alone, surfing the internet and drinking by myself. It wasn’t until I became dangerous that my friends started to give up on me. My erratic behavior started to put everyone around me at risk. I started blacking out several times a week, and gained a reputation for my behavior. I felt itchy when I wasn’t drinking, but didn’t realize why. I went to a bar and behaved so childishly that every customer left, and no one returned the next day. I became the kind of drinker no one wanted to be around, but I was too intoxicated to realize that I had a problem.

After seeking out treatment, I reached 7 months of sobriety. But when LA Mayor Eric Garcetti mandated a two week stay at home order, I immediately fell back into my old ways. I started to drink several bottles of wine a day. A pile of empty bottles began to pile up in my closet, behind chairs, and in the back of my car. My drinking got even worse over the summer as the country erupted in protests. It seemed as if another Black life was taken at the hands of law enforcement every week. When a 46-year-old Black man was choked to death by the police I drank an entire bottle of vodka to ease the pain.

I didn’t quit drinking until I saw footage of a 27-year-old Black man getting shot in a Wendy’s parking lot for refusing to take a sobriety test. Watching Rayshard Brooks lose his life at the hands of police scared me back into sobriety. Still, I desperately craved alcohol when I turned on my phone and read about the shooting of Jacob Blake. When the officers involved in the Breonna Taylor case were not charged for murder, I wanted to take solace in the comfort of a drink. I chose to sit with my feelings of discomfort and pain. I decided to face my emotions head on rather than numb them with alcohol. 

It became increasingly difficult to stay sober after witnessing the insurrection. I couldn’t go on Instagram without being bombarded with photographs of people climbing walls and marching around with stolen American flags. As a Black person, watching coverage of the insurrection was infuriating. Where was the sea of tear gas? Where was the line of shields? Why weren’t the domestic terrorists being treated with the same force as peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters? I couldn’t help but think about having a drink. I knew a drink would ease my anxiety, but it would only serve as a temporary solution. 

Being Black in the current political climate can feel excruciating at times. Black people have been hit with a tidal wave of trauma with the recent coverage of police shootings and disproportionate rates of coronavirus. Without the several facets of recovery for people of color, I would not be able to remain sober. Head onto Instagram and take comfort in Served Up Sober and Sans Bar. Attend weekly meetings and get matched with a mentor through Sober Black Girls Club. Visit the Monument site and sign up to attend Navigating sobriety or moderation as a Black, Indigenous, or Person of Color. 

Every day people of color across the world uplift each other—even if it is through Zoom, FaceTime, and Instagram. We keep each other sober day by day, and at times, hour by hour. We take on the complexities of what it means to be a person of color in a political climate defined by chaos. We share our experiences about race in relation to drinking. We discuss feeling pressure to assimilate to the majority, and drinking in response. We remember how the history and treatment of our people influences our desire to drink. We acknowledge the pain and shame that comes with being the only brown person in a room. Sobriety is a collective effort, and we need each other now more than ever. Like our ancestors who came before us, we refuse to let our pain define us.  

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.

When I first quit drinking I wanted everything in my life to stay exactly the same. The only difference would be that I was no longer drinking. I didn’t want anyone to know if I was drinking or not drinking, and I definitely didn’t want it to be the topic of conversation. I feared my relationships would change, or that others would feel uncomfortable around me. I wanted to go on living my life, only somehow secretly not drinking alcohol. 

Now, at 3-years sober, I realize how that was both unrealistic, and not in my best interest. 

Looking back it doesn’t surprise me that I had all of these expectations. I had set myself up to live an unliveable life in many ways. I wanted to go unnoticed and keep everyone around me happy at all times. I also never wanted to feel anything. If I started having an intense feeling, I would get disappointed in myself. It was easier to pretend it didn’t exist. Whatever the feeling was, it had to be wrong, and it was my fault for feeling it. 

I expected myself to be flawless. This was something I could never live up to, and I punished myself for it. I expected myself to be able to drink alcohol without consequences. So day after day, I would berate myself for having a hangover — and not to mention, become overwhelmed with embarrassment. I would get heart-pounding panic attacks knowing others had seen me too tipsy, or remembering myself, buzzed in front of my husband and kids. 

Sobriety changed all of that. 

Most of my biggest fears came true, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Fear 1: My Relationships Will Change 

My relationships changed because I changed.

Certainly, my sobriety makes some people uncomfortable. My excessive drinking also made people uncomfortable. I now realize that my responsibility is to me, and staying sober is the healthiest choice. I choose it over someone else’s comfort, every time. All the energy I was spending trying to please others is now spent on showing up for my health. That is the only thing I can really control, anyway. 

When you are newly sober or thinking about quitting drinking, I know the fear of how others will react can feel like a hurdle. My relationships have not only changed, but have improved since I’ve quit drinking. Drinking gave me a one track mind, always seeking more alcohol. Sobriety has made me a better wife, mother, daughter, and friend. Instead of a drunken buddy to commiserate with, I can offer others real support in a crisis. I have become a role model. I’m now able to give as much as I receive. 

Sobriety has also gifted me a better relationship with myself. I have become my own best friend, diminishing my desperate need to belong with others. With love, I have also had to let go of some friendships. Endings can be painful, confusing, and sad. Some people are in our lives for a season, not a lifetime. 

Fear 2: I Will Feel Emotions In Full Force 

It was the stuffing that created the suffering. The human experience is to feel a wide range of emotions. 

The next realization was that I feel things. Shocking, I know. It is more than okay to feel. And I feel deeply and intensely. I used to think this would make me “too much.” Now, I allow myself to feel what I feel. I create space for my emotions and I welcome all of them. They usually pass fairly quickly once I pay attention to them. This process makes me whole, not faulted. 

My goal is no longer to feel nothing and escape emotion. My goal is to manage my emotions. When I got sober at age 40, I had very few coping skills. My whole life, I had reached for alcohol for everything, happy or sad. Now, I recognize my emotions and instead of numbing them with a drink, I get curious about myself. I journal, work out, talk it out, or meditate. I have many ways to cope, and none of them involve alcohol. I allow myself to settle into the discomfort. My resilience has grown since ditching the drink. I have grown stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually in the process. 

Life is uncomfortable at times, that doesn’t mean I am doing it wrong.

Fear 3: I Will Fail At This 

I failed to realize that getting sober was a process and not a single event. 

I’ve had many attempts to quit drinking, and I “failed” at most of them. Yet here I am, now 3- years sober. For a long time, I was so afraid to try. What if I couldn’t do it? I told myself I had to nail sobriety on my first try, or else I was a big failure. I left no room for anything in between. When I started looking at getting sober as an experiment, instead of a tightrope to walk perfectly, I was able to give myself a lot more grace. Staying curious and loving myself through even my worst days was the magic it took to stay on my path. 

It was through sobriety that I burned through my self-hatred and learned to love myself as I am. Not a perfect version of myself, but the real me. The person who had made mistakes and would surely make them again. I allowed myself the space and freedom to mess up over and over again. Now I see failure as proof that I am on my way to success. I fail spectacularly, I fail often, and I fail forward. 

Becoming sober meant facing all these fears I had been running from. I was nervous about relationships changing, emotions erupting, and confronting failure. But I made a decision to love and accept myself anyway, even in my deepest hole, and that became my way out. Fear, shame and self-hatred had kept me sinking, and I had to try something different. Love and acceptance worked. Now, three years sober, I know to expect imperfection in the process. Sobriety is a practice. Life is a practice. And I am practicing every day.

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.

Note: until it’s safe to date in-person, these tips apply to socially-distant, or digital dating. 

In my three years of sobriety, I’ve done quite a bit of dating — much (…much) more than my sober peers recommended. I went on many dates that turned out to be flops, and it was hard not to take them personally. A ‘bad’ date would cause me to draw some pretty big (and unrealistic) conclusions: I’ll always have horrible luck, I’ll never find love, and so on. I felt residual shame from my former drinking habits, uncomfortable in my body, and unsure of who I was without alcohol.

Now, I know that my sobriety should be honored and celebrated. Looking back, if a date wasn’t down with it (‘it’ being, my sobriety), I shouldn’t have been down with them. I can now recognize that not everyone is “my person,” and that isn’t a reflection of my character or my decision to live alcohol-free. I’ve learned to look for red flags: like if I tell this person I’m sober, and they say “oh sh*t”, then I probably should unmatch with them. I’ve had to get comfortable in my ability to walk away from any situation. Dating is complicated, and doing it sober can often feel even more complicated. I’ve been in a relationship for over two years now, and with more experience in both dating and recovery, I’ve come to understand that the authentic me is the best me. And someone will recognize that — the right person. Now, I see that sobriety is not an inconvenience but a superpower, and that I’m totally, 100%, dateable. 

How can you get there yourself? Well, there’s no easy answer. But to get started, I’d like to share a few suggestions of how I do it (and what I wished I’d known). 

My Best Practices For Dating in Sobriety:

1. Call your hype man beforehand. It’s common in the early days of sobriety to feel lost about who you are as a romantic partner, or as a sensual or sexual being. Prescribe yourself daily doses of hype — before a date is the perfect opportunity to begin. Your close friends are the ones who know you best, and can remind you of all the amazing qualities you bring to the table. Spend a moment relishing in the wonderful person you are, especially without alcohol.
2. Trust your (sober) instincts. A gift of sobriety is that people, places, and things are no longer seen through an alcohol-induced haze. So, trust your instincts. If you arrive at the date and feel uncomfortable at the venue, share openly that you’d like to go elsewhere or text a friend to crash the date or meet you nearby. If you become uneasy with the way your date is drinking (I’ve unfortunately experienced this), you have every right to leave. A gift of sobriety is the ability to honor your truest instincts. This is your power, especially when it comes to something as vulnerable as dating.
3. Remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation. It’s no secret that drinking is commonplace, and oftentimes unhealthy, in the dating world. If your relationship with alcohol is brought up on the date, honor your own needs first. Remember that you are entitled to decide for yourself how much you’d like to share or not share. Whatever your reason for not drinking, whether because you’re sober, cutting back, or simply don’t want to drink that evening, that’s your business — and yours alone — to talk about.

I went through a lot of trial and error while dating and newly sober, and fortunately had guidance from a therapist. Recently, I asked Sabrina Spotorno, licensed therapist at Monument, for her clinical perspective. She had invaluable insights to share.

Tips from Sabrina Spotorno, LSW, CASAC: 

1. Envision what you want the date to look like: What environment, time of day, or other factors will allow you to feel most free to connect with your date? Try dating in nontraditional, alcohol-free environments. The more creative you can be, the more you can engage in genuinely fun and dynamic activities. Environments that include alcohol aren’t completely off limits, but it might save you some added stress. Plus, you’ll likely impress your date for going above and beyond the obvious!
2. Order an alcohol-free beverage: Set the precedent early with what you prefer to drink. If you’re not comfortable talking about your sobriety, that’s completely okay. Beverage names and appearances are so vague that the other person will most likely not be able to tell if it’s non-alcoholic. Having your favorite delish AF drink in mind can ease any discomfort when it comes time to ordering. Once it becomes something that doesn’t feel like a priority, you can get back to the good stuff… getting to know each other!
3. Choose joy: Sometimes sobriety can be wrongly associated with limitations. Moreover, the fear of judgment can prevent a candid conversation about alcohol-free lifestyles. What would it look like to genuinely celebrate your sobriety? If we want to live in a more inclusive world, we get to practice seeing the joy in our positive choices. You are choosing to be authentic and not hide what you need to feel good. What could be sexier than that?

With these tips in mind, I hope you will feel more prepared and excited to date either now or in the future. Remember that there are so many parts of you, and your relationship with alcohol is only one piece of the puzzle. That said, your sobriety is something to take great pride in. Know that you are bringing your truest self to the occasion. The right person will celebrate that.

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.